MySelF

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 16:43:58 GMT

I don't know what's my problem...really!?! Im getting really distance with people like my friends. I'm doing this because i don't want people see how fat i'am. And i scream for help but no one can help me but me. But i want to be force, okay its stupid. I want to be force to get help like. I'm yet not face to a wall to get help. But someday i wish i could be.

Can someone tell me whats my problem?

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 22:05:49 GMT

I was getting ready to go out with a friend and then i thought of my eating disorder, sometimes i hate it (when i binge, purge) but i love it when i DO feel thin and perfect (which it doesn't happen often, very rare) and that its there for a reason and if i would really really want it to go away, (treatment and stuff) like last year i could, maybe not full recover. But it depends of me only. I dont want to recover.

Maybe this may sound stupid but it sorts of make me different and special in a really bad way :(

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 15:18:29 GMT

I had this weird dream - i got rape and stuff and i was telling lots of people that i had a eating disorder. Anyways bad night. I did hve a get evning yesterday. I talk to my buddy ( she has a eating disorder ) we have so much in common, we wish someday we could meet each other. But she lives 12-13hours away from me. And it's long distance call.

I can't stop thinking of how much fun it would be if i would be thin and not fat fat fat. I had oatmeal for breakfast(126 cals) and i wil have a small salade for lunch and supper. I didn't gain weight since my big binge yesterday :) but i did not loose some of course. I did do some exercise but not a lot, crap. I'll go do more when i'm finish reading and replying to people.

After my afternoon binge, at night i ALMOST had a midnight binge. But i went to sleep. It was hard for me too sleep cause i was thinking to much. I have this headache coming :(

Have a nice day everyone :)

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 22:08:27 GMT

Okay, so here is goes, its been for too long that iam fat and feeling sad about it, being in the 120s is awful, so on september 10th ill be at least 110lbs! :) this is so exciting cause i know i can do this, regardless of what ppl say, think ;) haha
300 calories MAX per day and 200 crunches, 200 leg sides, 30 minutes of biking or running, 100 jumping jack
I can do this, i know i can

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 16:51:06 GMT

I feel so fat, fat, fat. I just had lunch, nothing big, nothing huge but still...i had a piece of bread and 2 crackers and 1 brocolie and 2 boil eggs. It's too much calories for me. I'm going for a 40 minutes biking to burn it all up. I would of purge it but mom is there so i can't, i'll take diet pills tonight, 1hr before super. If possible i'll purge it out. "je me sens coupble" Tomorow night i'm seeing Marie-Hylène and i have to give her the paper..oh God, i didn't do it...i'll have to invent stuff :S Hate lieing but it is for a good case -> keeping what is keeping me going, even if it's not fun having a eating disorder i can not imagine not having one and eating normal, not purge, not exercising, not taking diet pills, not weighting myself.

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 20:02:00 GMT

does it work?

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 03:41:29 GMT

i'm now fighting, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. I'm silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. It is my cape of invisibility. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that i never seem to get. In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road i lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. I have no longer control. It controls me. I stop listening to anybody i'am fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. Honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. I'am not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then i can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop. I use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain.

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 22:23:57 GMT

Mike told me i was his angel and that he would do anything for me :) What a sweety!
I need to be perfect for him, and i will never lie to him or anything, okay maybe for the E.D..
My restrict is going great, i'm not eating over 200 calories a day :)i'm so hungry i feel like binge&purge which i won't cause of mom and Alex. I would if nobody would be there, to take away my pain.
Later i'll have green tea with mom, while we are watching a movie. I love watching movies with her.
I know i'm strong

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 17:26:22 GMT

Omg,
I'm having a chocolate craving right now. But I won't have some. I can't because i'm fasting and I don't want to fail. It's been 25hours now so. I don't know what to do right now, I kinda of bored. Yesterday I went to the movies with Jess, we cryed, the movie was sad.

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 14:49:48 GMT

I was on a fast yesterday and everything was going great! :) Mom made me eat supper but I purge it all out. Today I had so far 35 calories ( fruit ) Jess is coming over to help me with math since my retake is soon! :S I can not fail, no! Anyways. My parents are out tonight so I won't have to eat and purge. Jess..well i'll make her eat and say i'm just not hungry you know. I lost weight, 2 pounds better than nothing.

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 19:51:04 GMT

This guy, that i was in love last year...we started to talk again and umm your going to his house- watching a movie some day!

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 15:18:25 GMT

I'AM
[X] anorexic
[x] bulimic
[ ] ed-nos
[X] living off diet pills
[X] hungry
[X] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] wanting to be "under-130-by christmas"
[x] starving myself
[X] participating in a fast with other people

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if i'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say i'm too skinny
[ ] say i'm ugly
[x] say i'm pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say i eat too much
[X] wish i'd stop
[x] don't know i'm ana/mia

I WISH -
[x] i was THIN
[x] i had a better body
[x] i didn't have to eat
[X] i could control myself
[X] i was under 120lbs
[X] i could avoid food
[X] i could hide what i am
[x] i wasnt fat
[x] i was pretty
[x] i could stop

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak, becuase i know i'm losing weight
[x] losing weight
[ ] being ana/mia
[X] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[X] feeling good about myself

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 12:52:53 GMT

i'm joing in a fast! hehe this will be great! Anyways, It's the second dream i'm having about math, i need to redo an exam to see if im moving on in my math next year..."Cross fingers and pray" that i will i know that i need practice and i will!!! Argg i so need to!

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 12:55:21 GMT

I had a great night and great morning! Its so weird i had never had that feeling befor...anyways! My mom told my dad that he could go alone cause today me and mom and alex we will go away to this place where at night there is fireworks!! :) Glad* Its been so long that i havent done something with my mom! I love hey so much, but i know that im hurting her but starving...its not my fault! I'm so fat, why cant i be thin thin thin almost invisible so nobody will see me?

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 13:22:25 GMT

Yea so i have to eat today, argg makes me mad, hate these. But somehow i dont believe in anorexia its really werid!